photos photos photos

I was really worried about not taking any pictures for so long but still wasn't feeling motivated. But i knew my sister was coming in town and we had been planning a mini photo shoot for then. I knew i had to get going and practice before she came so i wasn't rusty. So I jumped off of the couch, grabbed my camera, and started taking pictures of anything i could find (which happened to be a whisk) i took a bunch of pictures and then i felt satisfied knowing that i still had my creativity. Then i took pics of my sister and they turned out really good. I was kind of proud of them. Then two days later i took pictures of james' new baby. I was super nervous because i had never taken pictures of a baby before, but they turned out a lot better then i had ever dreamed! They weren't perfect but they were pretty dang good. I was really excited that i did two photo shoots in a row and that they both went well. So i think it is time to move on to the next step, i am going to buy a website and take a lot of pictures for people to 'portfolio build'. But i am really scared for a couple reasons:1: creating a business (which is what i eventually want to do) is very difficult, especially in photography. There are a ton of "photographers" who have businesses and charge people hundreds of dollars to take pictures and they are not that good. They think because they have a good camera and photoshop that they are a photographer and can charge people. But they suck!! I don't want to be one of those people, i don't want to jump too soon and think that i am ready when i am not.

2: I'm nervous about people not liking m

y pictures. Or worse if i work really hard on a shoot and the pictures turn out horrible!

I posted a couple pictures on Facebook and since then i have had several people ask me to take their family pictures, including a stranger. So i am going to do them and see how it goes. . .wish me luck, and have a look at a couple of the pics i took last weekend...

lbjweur

so i wanted to let everyone know who cares that ty is doing one thousand percent better in school. he is back to his 'normal' self and possibly even better then before. So it seems to be that he was just stressed out, and I'm pretty sure it was my fault. A couple days ago ty kept asking me all of these questions about why i was crying the first day and apparently i freaked him out. . . awesome. I knew how important it was to keep calm on the first day of school and be positive but there was nothing i could do about it, I tried my best and that's all i could do.

i really need to start taking pictures again, i think when i did james' wedding it was over kill for me. it was great and an unforgettable experience but i really think it drained me out creativity wise. So i need to just pick up the camera and start taking pictures, i haven't done any photography contests in a while so i will start there. If i want to be good i cant be not taking pictures for months at a time, that is ridiculous.

that is all.

i didn't know kindergarten was going to be this hard. . .

We have had a really hard past 9 days. I had no clue that Tyler going to kindergarten would be this difficult. I read something today in my magazine that people tend to remember the good things when they read/hear about good things first and then the bad, which doesn't make sense to me but i am going to try it so i don't feel like a failure and so that people in internet land will remember the good and not the bad about this blog:

Good:
-Ty started kindergarten!! I am excited for him to go to school, learn, do homework, read, make new friends, etc. It is an exciting (and scary/sad) part of being a parent, getting to see your kid grow up.
- I get to pick ty up from school everyday! i think that has been my longest goal as a parent to be able to pick him up from school, i feel like i have more time and more input in his learning, by getting to talk to him about his day immediately and then coming home and helping with homework. i just feel more involved, so i am grateful i am lucky enough to do that.
- Ty actually got the teacher i wanted him to get, which is awesome, I'm sure the other teachers are great but this one fits ty and his needs.
- (I really wish I could think of more positive things but I can't this sucks..)

Not so good:
-I guess the hardest thing this week is that Tyler is having a lot of problems adjusting. On tue, wed, thur, & fri. Tyler had an 'accident', not at school but at home. Tyler was pretty good at potty training and in the last year he has only had about 3 'accidents' but last week he had 4 in a row (and one about 5 min, ago)! Then he also started to have some behavior issues, not listening, being more immature (i know he is five but that's the only word i can think of), and in general not behaving. I'm not saying that he is an angel all of the time but he has never acted like this before. He has gotten in trouble several times at school already and has been one step away from the principles office and this type of behavior is not like him at all. Yesterday i had a melt down because i was so dumbfounded about his behavior, i mean i am obviously doing something wrong. I feel like i have failed or something. I am trying to be rational and i have a couple rational thoughts about why this may be happening. 1.maybe it's just purely regression and that it is just a phase. It's really common for these things to happen when there is a major change in the childs life (like starting school). 2.James and my parenting styles are not in sync and maybe the inconsistencies cause him to test things at school. But no matter how much i think about it i just come back to "i suck as a mom."
-When i dropped Ty off on his 1st day i cried. Its really important to not cry in front of you kid otherwise they might get stressed out and i prepared for this for almost a month telling myself that i would be strong so Ty could be strong. And i did really really good until the teachers said we couldn't come in the class and had to say bye outside. I was depending on coming in the classroom to say good bye and when they said we couldn't i couldn't hold it in anymore and started crying. I felt like an idiot, but i kept telling ty that i was crying because i was happy and i think it was ok.
- We got a note today saying that the classrooms are too full and that they hired another teacher and Tyler is going to be moved to another class. So now we have to start all over next week with a new teacher and I hope Tyler will be ok with it.

Everything is just really stressful right now and hard.

a lot goin on..

there are a lot of things going on in the next couple of weeks.

First (and most important): in 12 days Tyler will be a kindergartner! I am freaking out about this, i cry every time i think about it. For me going to school is about independence and it really freaks me out a lot. It will be the first time that he is going out to the world, and has to be responsible, for homework, for his behavior, etc. And i feel like how well he does is going to be a reflection of my parenting and his teacher, his friends, his friends parents, they are all going to see ty and judge if i have done a good job so far or not. Also it gives him more freedom. He will pick his own lunch at school, pick friends, and most importantly he will choose whether or not to wonder off of school campus by himself and get kidnapped. He is not going to be trapped in a room at his daycare, he is going to have a recess and be able to get out if he wants. I really think that is the scariest part of kindergarten, knowing he has less boundaries and has to make his own decisions. I just hope that i am bringing him up well enough so that he can make the best decisions.

Second: my parents 50th b-day is in a couple weeks, they were born less then 24 hrs apart and they are both turning 50, which is awesome!

Third: my sister is going to college. i wrote about this earlier, but i am still really upset about it. I am really going to miss her, a lot.

Its going to be an eventful month!

on another note, jake and i just got in the stupidest fight. . . He really likes Science and everyday he keeps up with science news, watches the science channel, reads books etc But he has never taken any college science classes, and i feel like it is because he would rather stay home with me and ty. And i love that, but he is always so selfless and since it is his birthday tomorrow i thought that i would sign him up for a physics class because he would never do it himself even though i know he is interested in it. Well i told him about it and he said he didn't really want to do it, at first he told me because we were too old, which is ridiculous, but then he told me it was because he felt it would be a waste of time. That is when the fight started... apparently he feels that if he is not working towards a degree (which i never said he couldn't, i mean it is up to him and i will support him) then it is useless to take a class. I completely disagree with this. I took a photography class last semester and it had nothing to do with a degree, i am also going to take a philosophy or psychology class this semester because i want to, the subjects interest me. I told jake that it is never useless to take a class on something that interests you, to make you happy, to better yourself, to keep your brain working. But he disagrees... And, to be honest i was completely unfair to Jake because i kind of blew up on him. Earlier today i was telling several co-workers about my plans to take a class this semester and they thought i was crazy too, since i don't plan on getting a degree. So i was already upset about the subject. And both of our families keep telling us that college degrees are so important, when in fact they are not. The only time they are necessary are when they are required (teaching, nursing, etc). I don't understand why everyone thinks that education is just about a degree, it should be about learning. Am i really crazy here??

baptise or baptize??

So i haven't gotten Tyler baptized yet and it seems like a never ending problem with my family, which it should not be. My whole childhood i was forced to go to church. I use the word forced because it is true. I loved going to church and at one point i spent 4 days there a week between all of the activities i was in, but honestly i only went for the socializing and that it got me out of the house. Well when i got a little older i would ask my parents once in a while (like once every 4 or 5 months) if i could stay home from church for various reason, i was sick, too tired ect. and every flippin time they said no. We would literally get into yelling matches about going to church and it was ridiculous. In high school i would have football games on Friday night and band competitions on Saturday and would be exhausted on Sunday morning, the last thing i want to do is get up early and go listen to a boring sermon. I think my parents resistance really changed my views on things as far as church goes. I mean they are great parents, but every parent makes mistakes and i feel like this is one they messed up on. You should never force a child to go to church (especially all of the time) if they don't want to, it is essentially forcing your opinions on someone which pisses people off.

Well my whole family is extremely involved in the church, not just my immediate family but my extended family as well, i have several different pastors in my family and the ones who aren't pastors might as well be. They spend all of there time on committees, doing church activities, ect. Which is fine, but the point of my blog is Tyler's baptism. I am constantly asked about baptising Tyler and i have always put it off and we are having a family reunion next weekend and i just got asked again to have ty baptised there. I decided it was finally time to make a decision, which i think i made a long time ago. I told them i didn't think that Ty should be baptised because of James' religion, he is Catholic. Even though that is not the full reason it is the majority of it and ties in to my thought process on this. I know that during the baptism as a parent you have to agree to be a good parent and raise the kid they best you can (duh) and then you also have to agree to bring them up in the church with the church beliefs. Some people say that that is not what being baptized means, but they have you agree to it, so that is what it means. I do not want to be the parent who says, "hey we are united methodists in this family, so that is what we are teaching you, that is what you will believe." Especially with his dads side of the family being catholic, even though the two religions came from the same idea they are way different. It would be so wrong of me to have him baptized and stand up there and say that i will raise him to be a christian if i don't plan on doing that. When he gets older i actually plan on doing opposite of that, we are going to make sure ty has knowledge about all of the different religions, and let him go to mass, synagogues, temples, etc. Religion is such an important part of who you are and he needs to figure it out by himself and decide what is right for him.

last twilight post for about 400ish days

i want to write about this not because anyone cares but because it is bothering the heck out of me!

James' mom got me tickets to see Eclipse at 9pm before the movie came out and since we had already gotten tickets for the midnight show i got to see Eclipse twice in a row. I was super excited because with New Moon (my least favorite book of the series) i was so excited the first time that i liked it better the second time because i let it sink in and could enjoy it more. Eclipse is really the peak of all of the books it has major conflict, romance, intensity, passion etc so i was really excited to see this film. I felt like the first movie was on a crap budget so it was great but not spectacular, New moon had a crap load of more money in it so it was obviously a step up and i loved it, so i expected Eclipse with all of the awesome book material and all of the money to be the best one yet and that is what everybody was saying it was (all of the reviews and such). So during the movie i found myself watching the movie and getting really excited when a good scene was coming up and then kind of being disappointed afterwords. So i get out of the first show and thought to myself, "hmm something is off but i cant tell what it is, I'm sure after the midnight show i will feel better." But then i saw it again and i was so bored, and this is not because i saw it twice in a row. When we got out of the second showing i thought to myself, "man, i liked the movie of course but i don't know why i am not into it as much as i should be." So i slept on it, and i still couldn't put my finger on it, so the next day i read a bunch of reviews of what other people thought, and everyone loved it. I did not find one bad review (from a fan). But then i had an epiphany! I realized that during new moon my heart was racing, i laughed really hard, and even cried at one point. And during eclipse i only chuckled a little, the only time my heart raced was at the beginning when i was excited, and i never once teared up. I was not emotionally connected to this movie at all and that is the problem. Eclipse (the book) has the most emotion out of all of the books and i don't think there was one time during the movie that i felt a strong emotion, or actually "in" the movie.

I'm going to go again in a couple weeks just to see if maybe i was just in a bad mood or something. And don't get me wrong, the movie was great, it flowed well (the only problem i had with new moon) and they kept in most of the great lines and scenes, they did a good job condensing the book, and they acting improved. But if i just would have had the emotional connection i got with new moon and while reading the books i would be a happy girl. I mean that's the whole reason i like the series because of its ability to make me emotional while reading it. I'm still going to see it 1-3 more times in the theater, im still going to buy 3 copies of the movie, and I'm still going to watch it over and over, but i am just a little disappointed.

Since this is going to be my last post about twilight in 400ish days i am going to get it all out...
We have decided to do something different every year for the movies. Last year we went to the mall tour and got a couple autographs, this year we went to LA to the twilight convention, and with the last book being split in to two movies that means we are going to try and do two other things. We have decided to go to Forks for a vacation, we will probably be mostly in Seattle because Ive always wanted to go there but we'll spend a day or two in forks and la push. And then we decided that we are going to go to one of the premiers, which is really insane, you have to camp out on the sidewalk for 4 days. But it will be totally worth it! If they do another convention thing we are going to go to that again too, it was amazing. I am trying to collect as many autographs as i can and hopefully by the time this whole thing is over (in 2012) i will have everybody, i have 11 now so I'm off to a good start.

Breaking Dawn is my favorite book in the series so it better be freaking good! only 504 more days!! :)

things that are funny...

i had a crappy day at work so i decided i will write a blog about things that i found funny in the last week (that other people probably don't) to see if it will put me in a better mood.

- I was looking through my yearbooks and going through what people wrote in them and i came across one of tori's. She wrote an entire page full of a message and at one point it says, "we've been through so much and yet we are still friends. That must mean something right?...no matter how much we fight we're always going to be friends...have a great summer and remember no sex" I wasn't having sex with anybody when she wrote this so that was stupid. But looking at the dates this was written it got me thinking. She wrote this while she was sleeping with my boyfriend (not that i knew that then)...did she not want me to have sex with him so she could? why would she even put that in my yearbook? And really, we are not friends so i guess it doesn't mean anything that we have "been through a lot." I know it's high school drama and i'm over it but i thought it was really funny.

- My five year old knows more about twilight then i do (well not really). Yesterday ty came running in to my room to tell me that McDonalds had Twilight toys that came with the kids meal. And i had no clue about it! He was wrong and it was Burger King, but seriously i usually know everything that's going on with Twilight and Ty had to tell me about this. So today after school we went to BK and got some cool toys. :)

-Speaking of twilight (i know it is all i write about but the movie comes out in 5 days and then it will be a whole year before the next one) I was laughing at myself when i realized that when i was watching the Eclipse premier online last night i had 4 different windows open at the same time from different broadcasters trying to watch the most interviews at the same time. It went pretty well at first, i would watch one at a time and have the other ones muted then switch but at the end they had Rob on one, Kristen on another, and Taylor on another one! so how do i choose? I didnt, i played all of them at the same time trying to listen to all three interviews at once...Seriously if anyone would have seen me at that time they would have thought i was insane (which maybe i am).

-Its also funny to me how horrible people are at Internet stalking. I don't think i have anything online that is private because i don't have a need to hide anything from anyone (lets face it i am not that interesting). I'm not going to say anything else on the subject except for, again nothing of mine is private if you want to stalk me just go to my facebook, myspace, blog, flickr, etc. you don't have to embarrass yourself by trying to be sneaky just to fail at it.