i guess i've needed to vent for a couple years...

I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness and moving forward and all of that. I thought that I was a “forgive but not forget” person, but can you really forgive if you don’t forget? Then I started thinking that maybe I don’t forgive like it think I do. I started thinking about what type of person I am and I usually don’t really believe in zodiac signs but I am a Cancer and my sign is all about emotions. When fighting with a Cancer they won’t really care what you are saying unless you understand where they are coming from. Not just say you understand but really understand. I never had this problem before, I was pretty open minded but now a days I find myself not listening (truly listening) until the other person sees where I am coming from first. Kind of selfish and I need to change that but for now that is how it is. So something to remember if you are fighting with me, understand where I am coming from then I will listen to you and then we can resolve the problem. So back to forgiveness. . . I was goggling when to forgive someone and I came across this answer on Yahoo Answers from some user:

I honestly think forgiveness is earned. If a person who has caused you pain and shows no remorse - if that were me, I would not forgive. I would try and let go as much as possible, but there would be no forgiveness.If they did ask then there would need to be a sit down, a coffee and a long discussion. They would need to know exactly what they are asking forgiveness for and not just be doing themselves a favor to get into your good books. Forgiveness is an understanding of who was hurt and who hurt, an understanding of what went wrong and an honest desire to make everything better.Forgiveness should only be given should that person apologize from the bottom of their heart.

I really agree with this answer. I think that I cannot truly forgive someone until they come to me and say, “Hey, I understand why you are mad, let’s fix this.”

Unfortunately I have realized that I have two people in my life that I have to deal with that I have not really forgiven that I thought I did.

1: James- In high school he put me through some really bad crap, cheating on me (multiple times), getting someone (a supposed friend) pregnant, lying about the life that he was really living doing drugs, not supporting me in my pregnancy, and in general not truly caring about me as a person. Probably the biggest thing though is 2 days before I gave birth he told me he thought i was lying about being pregnant, what a blow to the gut. I feel like a lot of the problems that we have as friends and as parents to Ty are because of what happened between us as “kids.” It is so incredibly frustrating, I think we need counseling. It’s like that expression that there is an elephant in the room. We have like 5 elephants that we have to deal with, but every time I bring something up about what happened, he just avoids the subject. So this has not helped me truly forgive him, because he hasn’t acknowledged what happened in the past.

2: Tori- I guess just everything, the list would be too long to type out, it would take me 5 years. But I am not even going to waist my time with it. Actually, one thing that is beyond the obvious other things, When rumors were around that I was pregnant she had the guts to go around and say that it was because I wanted to get back at her or be like her or even to try and keep James because I was jealous. . . When in reality what happened was she didn’t tell anyone she was pregnant until she was already 3 months. Then I found out literally less then 2 weeks after her, I was already pregnant when she “found out” I just didn’t know yet.

But I have to deal with these two people and not being able to have forgiveness in our relationships is very difficult. I feel sorry for them both, for everything that happened. But I don’t think that these issues are something that easily forgivable or forgettable. I guess it’s just been on my mind lately with the holidays coming.

bad day = shopping spree

So when we had that big storm our fence blew down in our back yard, it was the fence between us and Jake’s parents so it’s really not a big deal, but their fence on the other side fell down too so we have 3 back yards connected. It is still not fixed because Jake’s mom and dad are fighting about what type of fence to put up. This wouldn’t be a huge problem, except our dog has to stay inside all the time and doesn’t have a place to run around and play so she is crazy. I came home last night I walked in to a house that had clothes strung all over with holes in them and papers ripped to shreds and pretty much everything was ruined (and she peed on my bed!). Apparently she knocked down several doors during the day… So I was mad. . . She had put several holes in one of my good pants from work that I planned on wearing today because we are having someone special coming in. So I told Jake that I needed to go get a new pair of white pants for today, we went off to the mall and I left Ty and Jake at the play thing and I went shopping. I called Jake to come meet me because I was almost done and well he was not surprised when I had not only one pair of white pants but two grey ones, a black pair, a pair of jeans and I think like 6 shirts. It was a good night… : )

saucy...

i am eating some wendy's fries right now and i have realized over the years that depending on where i eat, i get a different dipping sauce. In my opinions the fries are so different and they all only have one (or two) solemate sauces that you cannot confuse with one another. So here is my list of sauces:

• McDonalds: Ketchup or BBQ
• Jack in the box: Ranch
• Wendy's: BBQ
• Burger King: Buffalo Sauce or Ranch

did i say i was going to clean this weekend?

Ha! i don't know who i was trying to fool..

On Friday i felt sick, actually i felt sick all week, but Friday i went home early and took a nap. Then Jake and i went to stay at the Sheraton (where we are getting married!!!) all weekend. That was nice, it is always good to have a change of scenery. On Saturday we went to look at invitations, ughh that sucked. Then we went to a whole bunch of really cheap craft stores in the getto to try and find ribbon, we found some of one color but not of the other two. I think we may have to order them online...

Then we went to metro and went shopping! yeah! We walked past the Verizon store and Jakey bought me a new phone! He owes me since he lost my other one off the roller coaster almost a year ago. So i am now awesome with a touch screen phone! : ) Then when we went back to the car, it was dead, lame. It was later at night so all the shops were closed. Luckly we were staying accross the street at the hotel. So we walked back to the hotel, and we went swimming and played on the water slide. In the morning we went back to the car and tried to jump it and it wouldnt work, so then we drove (we had 2 cars) back to our house to get tools to get the battary out. We took the battary to Sears and they said that it was fine, so then we tried the car again and it wouldnt work. We called Jake's dad and he came down to see if he could fix it, while we were waiting we saw "burn after reading" that was the weirdest most pointless movie ever. When we came out Jakes dad had the car running and told us that it was the battary and Sears was wrong. Awesome. It was a pretty good weekend.

Today is not like the nice weekend i had though, i think i am going to kill my boss...

my thumb

i hurt my thumb last night...

Do the Dew

i am drinking a mountain dew right now, i don't think i have had one in at least 7 years. It is interesting. . .

This weekend we are going to throw out like half of the stuff in our house, it is impossible to have a nice looking house if you have a bunch of stuff. So we are going to clean everything and throw out a lot. Our house is not the best house but i think it is good for another 2-5 years. But i need to get it organized. I think we might talk to our landlord to see if we can get new carpet within the next year too. The carpet sucks.

I decided that i am going to by myself a good camera hopefully in December and i am going to really research photography and try to be good at it. I feel like i don't have any hobbies and i should have one, and i really really super like it and it doesn't take away from my time with Tyler.

internet

so i have been thinking a lot about the Internet. Like seriously, how did the Internet exists without Google??? i know that there was a time when there was no Google, but i don't get it, didn't the people who first made the Internet think about having some sort of search engine?

Then i was reading a friends survey on myspace and one of the questions was: "is your page set to private?" She was like, "duh." This is another thing i don't understand. Why would anyone have an Internet page and set it to private? it's really weird.
In my opinion you see peoples 'true colors' on myspace most of the time. I have several friends who i thought i knew until i looked at their myspace. It's a place where you can pick your background, colors, friends, music, and what you say. People post pictures of themselves naked or just talking all this crap about other people...just stuff they would never do in person. So therefore i don't know why people would put their profile to private, are you afraid to show the world who you really are? I think that is lame. I guess i understand if you have like an on-line journal, but usually you don't show those to anybody, not even your best friend or spouse. I don't know, i guess it's the all or nothing thing. If you are going to be a slut then you should be able to show it to the world and if you want a journal to write in when you are depressed then you shouldn't show it to anyone.