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Ty’s on his way to a doctor’s appointment right now. He always has them. I was going to go but I decided to ask James because this one is going to be bad. They are going to stick a camera up his nose and then down his throat and then make him talk (or cry) to see if a certain muscle is working or not in the back of his throat. It sucks because he will be awake and James will have to hold him down while they do this to him. I want to be there because I know he will be crying, but I don’t want to be there because I don’t want to watch or hold him down, every time I have to hold him down for stuff like that I cry and I am a baby. . . : ( I told him he was going to the doctor today and he said, “the doctors give me owies in my mouth”

They have pretty much already decided that this muscle is not working so they will have to do surgery on it but they have to confirm before they schedule it.

The reason why he has to do this is because all of his air when he talks goes through his nose, which is why nobody can understand him. It’s actually really cute, he likes blowing out candles which he is good at, but it is all through his nose. And he cannot blow bubbles really at all… One time him and Mike (his brother) were playing with those party blowers and Ty couldn't’t do it so we showed him how to plug his nose and he did it, so he went around holding his nose and had a good time. Then he saw Mike do it without holding his nose and he was like, “No mike you gotta do it like this (then he plugs his nose)” It was sooo funny. . .

So any who after this appointment they will set up the surgery and then after he fully recovers from that he will start speech therapy again. Which is good, but sucks because they only have appointments from 8-4 Mon-Fri and I work 7-4 Mon-Fri. WTF? And he has to go 1-2 times a week for a couple of years.
But it is all worth it. He is a good kid.

I feel naked!

So yesterday jakey and i went to look at wedding rings! yeah! My engagement ring is super hard to pair a wedding ring with, its skinny, and has a princess cut diamonds and round diamonds, and diamonds all over. so we have looked a ton of times for something that looks good, we have found a couple 'OK' ones but nothing perfect. . . any who. . . so the store where Jake got my ring was going to clean it for me, and they checked it to make sure nothing was wrong, and while she was checking it one of my big diamonds fell out!! it like popped out actually. So now they have to fix it and i am without my ring for a couple days... : (
This is like the 3rd time since he got it that i had to send it in...it freaking sucks!!! It's because i have so many freaking small diamonds, they come loose and fall out and stuff. but at least we don't have to pay for it or anything.

So because i was so sad, I convinced jake to let me go clothe shopping. : ) yeah for half off shorts!

new hobby

so I've decided that i really like photography. Ty has really made me go crazy with a camera and not to brag, but i am getting pretty good at taking pictures. I got an awesome camera last month, its a point and shoot, but its kind of top of the line point and shoot. and Ty dropped it so i have to send it in for warranty, but i cannot give it up. i really don't want to be with out a camera for weeks. but at the same time, i need to get it fixed.


I have joined this group online that has a bunch of professional photographers and people who like photography and stuff and i am learning so much from them. it is amazing what you can do with a picture!! I am also learning about some editing, I would rather just take a perfect picture in the first place but editing is addicting and you can make the pic look even better. Being in this group has also made me really want a more professional camera. I almost got one when i got my last camera but then i decided that i need a small one to carry in my pocket so i can be ready for Ty. But i think within the next year or two i will get a really nice one along with my point and shoot. I think i am going to take some photography classes somewhere, sometime because it's really something that i am starting to love. The picture below is something i did last night, it took me like 3 hours i think, but i did it and i love it!

Sleepy...

Last night i went to Julie's bachelorette party, it was fun. I wasn't going to go at first because i don't really like to go out much, i would rather stay home with jakey and ty. but i found out that there wasn't a big turn out, and i felt bad. so i went. : ) I think everyone but Julie and her maid of honor paid over $100 for this one night, which isn't really the way it's suppose to work...but any who, i also wasn't going to spend the night, then i decided that the expensive ass hotel was closer to my work then my house was so i figured i could sleep in an extra 10 min or so. then i was 1/2 an hour late to work, it rocked. So since i wasn't prepared to sleep overnight i had to call Jake to ask him if he could bring me clothes and stuff, he did because he is awesome. And he brought me one of his shirts and he sprayed his Cologne on it so i could smell his yumminess while i slept, but it made me miss him even more...I hate sleeping without Jake, i don't recall ever sleeping the whole night away from each other in the last 2 years, if one of us goes out we always come back. I don't like sleeping without cuddling with Jake. And just to prove that i have the best fiance in the world, he gives me a foot massage pretty much every night before bed, and i missed that too.

So after the whole night was over, i am out $100, stayed up really late, had my first drink in the last 4 years, was late for work, missed my foot massage and cuddling with Jake, and miss Tyler. But hopefully Julie was happy, because really that is all that matters.

I love eating just chips n salsa for dinner just because i want to...

Today Jake and I did nothing but watch movies all day, we didn't clean, or worry about anything, we just watched movies. Last night we saw Made of Honor and when we woke up this morning we watched Lars and the Real Girl, then we went to eat some ribs at our favorite rib joint, Shane's Rib Shack. Then we went and saw What Happens in Vegas, then we came home and watched Bowling for Columbine and now we are watching Nacho Libre...After this we will probably watch Hairspray because i love that movie! I love being lazy with my man...

Movies have always been our thing. One year in high school we saw 8 movies together over winter break. It rocked! And we used to do this thing where we would talk to each other on the phone and watch Disney movies together. We would que up the movies so it would play at the exact same time and watch the movie together over the phone. It was fun. : ) we pretty much always see at least 4 movies a month in theaters and we are devoted Netflix customers. I love Jake... : )

Mind your own business old guy...

Yesterday i was at things remembered getting James an engagement present, to show my support and there was this old couple in the store, probably around 80ish...and the wife wanted to by something for a family member who's mom just died. She was trying to explain this to her husband and he was being a jack ass, saying that he didn't understand why she would want to buy them a present because it wasn't a big deal that their mom died...it was sad. So they started arguing in the store yelling and he was being very mean to her. So i went about my business and he comes up to me, in my face and asks if I'm engaged (because he saw my awesome ring!) of course i told him i was and he flipped out at me yelling, "Oh my God, you're just a child! why don't you enjoy life?" in a really rude tone. So i told him that i wasn't getting married for another year and i am enjoying life very much, then he walked away shaking his head. The whole time i was thinking 'i would rather hold on to the guy i know i want to marry then go around partying all the time and marrying someone just because they were who you were dating at the 'right time' and be miserable like he obviously was with his wife.' The whole thing didn't really bother me because i have thought about this a lot while being engaged, i am young, but i don't think it matters what age you are. I have been through a lot for my age and know who i am and how to handle myself. All the things people do in college, i already did in high school and I'm over it. I've known Jake for like 8 years, we are good friends, i had a huge crush on him all through high school we hung out all the time, spent hours on the phone talking, he was there for me no matter what. It's not like I'm marrying a stranger, i know this guy and he rocks!

ughhh....

So Ty woke up and said his head hurt, and then he puked...and then he was laying in bed because he was really tired, and then he puked again...then he went back to sleep... poor baby. he is always sick. He will be OK though.
But what i really wanted to write about was the text message i got this morning...It was from the girlfriend of James (my baby's daddy, my best friend etc.) It said that they were engaged...Immediately my heart stopped and i thought, "what the fuck?!?!?!"....I have so many mixed emotions going on with this and it is kind of hard for me to deal with. Let me first off start by saying that there are absolutely no romantic feelings between me and him, that is gone, so this is not that type of issue. But we have been through so much together it's unbelievable. He has been my best friend for almost 8 years, i tell him pretty much everything, i know him better then almost anyone, and we keep each other in check.
2 years ago he went to rehab, because he had a problem, and when he came back our friendship was the strongest, bestest relationship ever. Then he started dating Katie (his now fiance) and everything was OK, but then for some reason she did not like us hanging out, at all. Which is kind of understandable, i mean she is a girl. But then it got ridiculous and pretty much everyone didn't like each other, stupid. And James' and my relationship fizzled away. And it kind of put me in a really bad place, he is a big part of my life and i feel like he was taken away for a period of time. Not because he was dating someone else and spending time with her, but because our friendship was no longer a priority at all, he didn't give a shit. But then they broke up and i was kind of happy, but he was really sad, I tried not to see it but he was. Then they got back together and it seemed like all of there problems were getting better, therefor my problems with him were getting better. So now i think we are in a place that everyone can feel comfortable with each other, and that is good. But i cant help but feel that if they do get married i will loose him as a friend forever, like i almost did before. Right now our friendship bonding only happens in e-mail conversations at work, because we cannot hang out with out a big scene, but it works for now.
She actually does a lot of good for him, she knows how to raise kids and live on her own so she is helping him with all of that. I guess it's just because he is a part of my family and it's one of those things that you think nobody is ever good enough for them... that is how i feel i guess. but from being kind of upset this morning, and talking it out now, ultimately i am happy for him because he is the one who proposed, so its not like this is a set up. he likes her so i need to be supportive...which i am trying to be.

Chill out, enjoy life...

Since the only people who will probably find/read this are people i know from church, i thought i would start this off with something that has been on my mind recently. I have had a hard time going to church recently, and at first it was because i wanted to spend more time with my family, you don't realize that i have a full time job which means that Ty is in daycare for like 9 1/2 hours Mon-Friday and every-other weekend he is at his dad's so after daycare he is pretty much only awake for 2 hours before it is bed time. and in the morning i only see him for like 1/2 an hour and then i have to go to work. Which is fine, gotta work. But sitting in church for an hour on Sundays in an hour less that i get to see him, because he will go in the nursery, or he will sit with me and run around and we will have to leave early anyways. Then i got to realizing that i started skipping Sundays when i didn't have Ty, because i always feel judged at church and if i go to anything with out Tyler all people ask me is where Ty is. And while i absolutely hate not having Ty on those weekends, James is actually trying to be a good father and Ty needs to spend time with him. So anywho, i didn't go to avoid people judging me, asking me where Ty is and then walking away after i tell them. One of the main reasons why there is such a drop off of 'young adults' in churches is because they feel judged... Then i started thinking that there were even more reasons why i just don't really like going to church...

1: I don't like pastor Gary as a pastor, he is a good person, but i personally feel like when it comes to our church and the other stuff that he has to do besides preach he is kind of rude and doesn't really care.
- There is not much i can do about him, i try and respect him as a person and see where he is coming from, but bottom line he doesn't fit, and my personal opinions are diff. from his.

2: A lot of the 'leaders' in our church i feel are hypocrites.
- Now you may say that nobody is perfect and everyone has faults and sins. Duh. But why do people stand there and constantly say that they need to work on something that they know does not honor God and then 2 years later say they are still working on it and then 3 years later, still working, but really doesn't seem like they are doing anything about it. (the following is not true to my knowledge) Lets say that someone has a problem with drugs, but everything they do is trying to glorify God and they struggle with this problem for years and say they are trying to work on it...blah blah. but then 10 years go by and they still have the problem. But if they never went to rehab or asked someone for help then what was the point in saying that you are trying to change??
On our churches website there is a 'what we believe section' i think its taken directly from the United Methodist website, it says:
"John Wesley and the early Methodists were particularly concerned about inviting people to experience God’s grace and to grow in their knowledge and love of God through disciplined Christian living. They placed primary emphasis on Christian living, on putting faith and love into action. "
This says we need to put our faith into action. I feel like a lot of people are all talk and no 'action.'

3: To go along with the 'all talk thing' i feel like at the same time people are way too focused on what God would want.
-This sounds weird but I feel like people are literally saying, 'I don't know if God wants me to ride my bike to work today.' and that is all they think about all day. I mean come on, God made you with a brain. Yes make good choices, but you already know what God wants with most stuff. I don't know what else to say with this. But i feel like sometimes people really don't know what to do about life and focus too hard about it but really listen to your heart and the answer will come. . . maybe people just need more time to do that then i do.
And just because i was thinking about it...why does it matter if you make the 'wrong' decision? God already knows what is going to happen before it does, he wont be surprised by your choice.

So with these thoughts i have been thinking about this a lot and trying to figure out what i believe. which i have figured is the same thing i always have. . . i personally think that there is a God and almost all the other basic principles of Christianity. I feel that God wants me to be happy, which it says in the bible, but i realize this even more now that i have a child. There is absolutely nothing better in this world then seeing Tyler happy. Since we are Gods children he would probably feel the same way i do about Ty. So why do people stress out so much about whether or not God wants you to ride your bike today? and why do people fool themselves into pretending that they will change for the better but don't even try and they let everyone and there mom down?

I have been doing some research on other religions, because i have always believed that nobody agrees 100% with one religion, and i bet almost everyone can find something they agree with in another religion. I love Taoism, it's really cool. I bought the Tao Te Ching a while ago, it's kind of intense, but wonderful. I think my religion is living life the best that i can.